Navigating Your Mental Health and Relationships During the Holidays
By Gabbie Perez, MA, MS, LAMFT
Just thinking about the holiday season likely evokes some very vivid imagery: twinkling lights tastefully decorating your home, a tree with plenty of presents underneath, lively family gatherings filed with delicious food and laughter, the cozy warmth of a fireplace while (depending on the year, in Atlanta) snow falls gently just beyond the window – and along with all of this, the familiar pressure to feel “merry and bright.” But beneath the glow, many people quietly struggle. The season that promises to be “the most wonderful time of the year” can sometimes leave us feeling stretched thin, overwhelmed, or simply sad. This blog offers some of my thoughts on why that is, and what you can do about it.
What Can Make the Holidays Hard
The Role of Societal Narratives
Perhaps the biggest reason why the holiday season can be difficult is the juxtaposition between internalized images such as those above (what therapists might call a “societal narrative” around how the holidays “should” be) and the reality of how many of us experience the holidays in our individual lives. The weight of these idealized and loaded expectations – combined with the reality, for many, of complicated feelings and strained relationships – can result in the holidays feeling like they amplify everything – from joy and nostalgia to stress and difficult interpersonal dynamics. This feeling of emotional intensity isn’t a sign that you’re doing the holidays “wrong,” it’s a human response to an unusually high-stakes time of year. It’s worth mentioning here, too, that the dominant societal narrative of the holidays in the US is predominantly Christian – leaving out the many other holidays and traditions that are celebrated at this time of year as well.
Financial Constraints
Underpinning the ability to actualize the narrative of how the holidays “should” be, is money – as many of us have family living out of state, which requires sufficient funds to be able to travel (whether by plane or by car) – and to be able to give gifts to everyone on your holiday list.
Difficult Family-of-Origin and In-Law Relationships
Once you arrive at your destination, you may find yourself contending with difficult family-of-origin dynamics, or in-law relationships. Many of us know the feeling of returning home to the house we grew up in, only to find ourselves quickly falling back into certain roles and dynamics with our family members – or the awkward feeling of traveling to our in-laws’ house and not feeling completely comfortable or at home there, either.
Grief
This is a big one – as many of us have a loved one who might be sick or who has passed away at this time of year, bringing up intense (and sometimes complicated) feelings of grief and sadness (feelings which can be heightened precisely because they’re left out of the dominant holiday narrative). This grief can take many forms and doesn’t arise solely in response to a loved one’s death – you can feel “anticipatory grief” at the knowledge that this may be your loved one’s last holiday season, or a sense of “ambiguous loss” which occurs when a loved one is still alive but the relationship you have with them is fundamentally altered in some challenging way – as in the case of having a strained familial relationship, an estranged family member, or even a family member with dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
While few people I know seem to enjoy the idea of the clocks turning back an hour beginning in the fall, and darkness eventually arriving as early as 5:00 PM, some people are more affected by the end of Daylight Savings Time than others. If you experience significant and persistent mood and behavioral changes around this time of year that seem to mimic signs of depression, you may be experiencing winter-pattern Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). These symptoms will typically last about 4-5 months out of the year and improve with the arrival of spring and summer. It’s important to note that winter-pattern SAD is related to changes in daylight hours, and so it is not strictly-speaking something that is a byproduct of the stresses of the holiday season – but experiencing SAD can certainly add to or compound the stressors that already exist around the holidays. (There is also a variation of SAD called summer-pattern SAD, but this is less common.)
What You Can Do About It
In this section, I offer some suggestions for how to address the challenges described above.
Societal Narratives
Societal narratives can powerfully shape how we think the holidays “should” look, but the truth is, they don’t have to look any one way. One of the best ways to figure out how you want to spend your holiday season is to figure out what your priorities are with your partner. What matters most to you as a couple or as a family? Maybe you want to focus on spending time with your or your partner’s family-of-origin, and less time attending holiday parties for work or with friends. Maybe you just want to spend time together as your own family. Or maybe you want to spend some time volunteering to support an underserved community (doing this can be a powerful way to experience something other than the dominant narrative around the holidays, as people in underserved communities are often left out of the narrative, or are only minimally acknowledged).
Having a conversation with your partner or together as a family about your priorities ahead of time can help ensure everyone is on the same page and facilitate the season passing with ease. At the same time, if you find that some of your priorities as a couple or family conflict, you’ll need to be open to compromising. Try to problem-solve as a team and find time to check in with each other afterwards to talk about and process how things went. On a practical level, it can be helpful to stay off social media during this time, to focus on what you want your holiday season to look like, rather than getting caught up in what it looked like for others (and appearances can be deceiving anyway).
Financial Constraints
Financial constraints can be a real source of stress around the holidays, and one that is not frequently talked about. Managing these constraints might look like saving for your plane ticket(s) or gas ahead of time, buying a plane ticket well in advance when they’re more affordable, giving more “homemade” gifts than store-bought, or even deciding (as is a tradition on one side of my family) that no gifts will be purchased or exchanged among family members – while this certainly doesn’t have to be the solution for everyone, we find that it relieves a lot of pressure and frees us up to spend time connecting with each other.
Difficult Family-of-Origin and In-Law Relationships
If, despite your best efforts, you anticipate that your holiday season will involve either a difficult family-of-origin or in-law dynamic, it can help to determine what your “bandwidth” is (or boundaries are) around these interactions ahead of time, recognizing and accepting that these boundaries may look different for you and your partner. An example of a boundary might look like limiting how much time you spend at a relative’s house or opting out of certain activities. It can also be helpful to think about how you can take care of yourself in the moment, as difficult family dynamics are unfolding. This could look like stepping outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air or take a walk, politely redirecting a conversation away from certain subjects, or having a respectful exit strategy in place to end any conversations that become disrespectful. You may also want to plan for how to maintain your boundaries in the moment when you’re feeling tempted to break them. Discuss with your partner where these boundaries might be a little more flexible, where they’re not, and how you can support each other in the process. Finally, it can be helpful to think about how you might care for yourself after the fact, when you come back home.
Grief
My suggestion here isn’t around “doing” anything so much as allowing what is. If you’re grieving during this time of year for whatever reason, know that your feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel out of sync with everyone else’s festive mood. Letting yourself feel your feelings without judgement (without evaluating them as good or bad) often brings more relief than forcing yourself into holiday cheer. I like to say that emotions are “energy in motion” (e-motion): giving yourself permission to feel them fully is what allows them to move.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
During the rush of festivities, it can be easy to overlook or get out of sync with the habits that help keep us mentally steady year-round. Maintaining a regular sleep schedule (6-8 hours a night, ideally going to sleep and waking up at roughly the same time each day), finding time for a bit of movement or exercise, protecting some time for quiet reflection, and checking in with supportive friends or your partner can all go a long way toward making the season feel more manageable. In addition, things such as light therapy and vitamin D have been shown to be effective for the treatment of winter-pattern Seasonal Affective Disorder. If considering either of these options, it’s always best to consult with your primary care physician first.
Seek Support if You Need It
Always remember that if you find yourself struggling at this time of year, support is available. Checking in with a therapist can be a form of self-care, and a gift to yourself. In the hustle and bustle of the season, it can be easy to focus on everyone and everything but yourself – and having a safe and unconditionally supportive space “for you” can be invaluable.
References:
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Seasonal affective disorder.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/seasonal-affective-disorder
Prepare Enrich. (2025, November 12). Be great teammates this holiday season.
https://www.prepare-enrich.com/blog/be-great-teammates-this-holiday-season/
